My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
