I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
