She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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