Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
