so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
