Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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