i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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