god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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