Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
