Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
