I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
