so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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