I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
