i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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