I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
