The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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