I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I haven't been this sober since birth.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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