oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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