I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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