since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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