I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
where am i from again
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
