I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
