i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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