Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
