Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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