He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
