she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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