Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
