one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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