my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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