Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
