sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
