i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
