i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
