idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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