there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
