If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Randomize
