he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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