i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
