Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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