I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
