You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
