The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
