Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
