I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
