So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
