i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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