I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
