There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
