Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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